Last week while I was buying some household things at the Daiso Mart in Munsan, going down the bright aisles and putting stuff like paper napkins, dish towels, and sandwich bags into my shopping basket, I came across those plastic glow-in-the-dark stars with sticky tack that little children paste on their bedroom walls. Well, I was giddy with excitement when I saw these whitish green stars so I decided to buy a pack. When I got home I ripped them open from their cardboard packaging and pasted them to the ceiling above my bed.
I realized that I have this odd fascination with the nighttime sky. Every time there is a full moon I feel I need to not waste it away. It only happens once a month, I think and I should enjoy it. I don’t know, a feeling like I just need to look at it more. Soak it up. How on earth do you enjoy a full moon anyways? And the fact that for every month until the end of my life, there will always be a full moon to look forward to, does nothing to lessen the little jolt I get when I look up at night when walking my dog and see that full glowing orb in the sky and feel like I am not appreciating it enough.
The same goes with stars. If you think about it, stars are there every night, sometimes more visible than others. In my tiny absolutely rural home, the stars are almost always out and always glowing. They make me feel nostalgic and introspective. What is it about the sky that gets to me? Am I just a sappy silly girl who likes horoscopes and believing that a bit of your life is already set out before you?
Well, as it is getting warmer out, I find myself taking Keiko out for more walks. The routine of just putting on a jacket without worrying about bundling up in warm scarves and mittens, winter boots and hats is just so nice. When I am out wandering the farmland while Keiko is running frantically about, unleashed, trying to sniff everything in her path, I love watching the stars. I always have to find the big Dipper and Cassiopeia before I can go back in. I guess you can say it is a bit of security to be anywhere in the world and still be able to locate those same sequence of stars.
I simply cannot believe in God. I don’t have that in me, the ability to believe in that sort of higher being. Sometimes I wish I could because it has been the salvation, an answer in a crazy world, to many people, but I can’t. I do, however, need to believe in something else, to know that there is more to this world than us. So I can unashamedly say that I believe in the stars and the moon. I’ll put my faith in the planets and the universe and the rest of the world we don’t know too much about except that it is there all around us all the time and claimed existence before we did and will stay until after we’re gone. This belief provides me with comfort. To know that I am just some tiny being in this universe, hardly important in the grand scheme of things, that is also comfort in this sometimes scary place of everyday life.
And it makes me happy because now I can say honestly that “Yes, I do believe in something.” I am not completely devoid of the ability to believe.
Okay, yes I am feeling sappy at the moment, but I am a girl. I am allowed.
