I am beginning to think there is some universal power going on here as if all the single rejects from around the world are being displaced in South Korea.
No matter, being the great friend I am, I am writing a blind date blurb of all of them. So if you're interested...
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If you can rank yourself above an 8 on a 1 to10 scale of attractiveness, than continue reading. If you have any physical deformity, including lazy eye, nasally voice, or mishapen sexual parts, please do not waste your time by reading any further, Ian is not the man for you. Even if you have a misshapen mole in a visual area, do not continue.
But, if you meet the criteria so far and are a no bullshit, modern romantic, than let me acquaint you with Ian.
He is a typical American male, average height, medium build, and natural blonde hair although from time to time, if the funds are available and he is lost in a moment of vulnerable insecurity, it'll go to dark brownish-purple. He has blue eyes, is a heavy smoker, even heavier drinker, and has occasional Freudian tendencies (but really, who doesn't).
He is also incredibly funny, the sarcastic American funny, if you like that. You have to be quick though and stay on your toes to keep up with him, but don't dish it back too harshly because he can't take it. He spills when he eats and loves rutabaga-filled kebabs. You have to love to read because he writes a lot and he is pretty friggen good, but highly insecure so dont forget to stroke his ego (amidst other things too)
If you're interested, he lives in southwesternish Seoul.
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Henry B
Henry is the boy you want to take home to maw and paw for Thanksgiving dinner, just as long as its not around St. Patrick's day or any other drinking-encouraged holiday. And I guess that means during weekends and sporting tournaments too.
He is tall, dark, and handsome. He speaks in a whisper so you really have to lean into him to hear what he is saying, but most of the time, its just about football or beer, so you dont really need to listen to what he is saying. He is Irish so he is really boyishly cute, very laid back, equipped with European humour in the dry sarcastic version, he teaches English but sometimes it sounds like jibberish given the thick Irish accent and hushed tones he speaks in. He can backpack Vietnam with you and be an awesome travel mate, an even awesomer wingman, as dependable as they come, can read maps, and can drink anyone under the table. Being Irish, he can be your lucky charm!
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Rob M
For all the sweet natured women out there who are looking for Mr Perfect, Rob is your go-to guy.
The quintessential boy-next-door, this American track and field star, travel-hungry charmer is waiting for you. He is 6.1, brown hair, medium build, nice biceps, ocean blue eyes, and has an almost obsessive love for plaid clothing and accessories. Although he is American and loses two points for that, he can be funny at times, a gentleman all the time, and will never say no to you.
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Toni D
Toni is the cutest thing you can find in Seoul that doesnt have black hair, isn't wearing an oversized mickeymouse headband, and is over the age of seven. She lives somewhere in the heart of Seoul and doesnt work 9 to 5 so she is available for that spontaneous bike ride along the Han River. A former gymnist with long blondish-brown hair, a praticallly 90 lb frame, and adorable British accent, she is the typical English girl (but with nice teeth). Although she doesn't believe Ireland and Scotland exist as their own country and believes Guinness is England-made, she should still be forgiven. She also knows the route to any location you want to go to regardless if its in a new city, new country, underground, or if I just made it up in my head. She can get you there with her first class skills in map reading and subway riding.
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Stephen
He is what every girl in the world wants from a man: neck-breakingly tall, never-balding hair, nice abs, laugh-out-loud funny, is a feminist, and a great listener. The only problem is, he is as gay as they come. But if you're down for that, Stephen dwells from Washington DC, smokes more dope than anyone should be able to, loves the stars and the moons, writing books, saving money, and getting tattoos. There is no other guy you'd want to be with on a Friday night than him!
Cheryl
If you are a confident male with no insecurities and wants a strong-will powerful woman, than Cheryl is your dream girl. She is South African, one of the most beautiful countries on earth, and she has that South African charm (and tongue) to keep you on your toes and never bored. She is medium height, skinny, brown hair, electric personality, and is all smiles and laughter. Although don't piss her off in the middle of homo hill or you'll get an earful and don't make her wait or you'll end up in tears in a Hongdae subway station. She is feisty and has more flair that her tiny body needs! She lives in Gimpo so its better if you have a car to go see her.
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Albert C
Albert has to be the male Asian version of me. He loves to travel, likes to blog, likes to sleep on strange people's couches, be alone and surrounded by people, fly in the air, crawl in underground tunnels, and will put anything in his mouth, be it lamb penis or roasted cockroach in Beijing! He is a New Yorker, the land of yellow taxis and pretentious Americans, but in South Korea, no one really cares, so its okay! He is humourous, but its subtle so sometimes you don't realize how funny he is until the second or third time you meet him. He lives in Incheon so if you'r coming from the airport to meet him, he's got your back!
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Me (written by Ian)
Na is a beautiful, hilarious Vietnamese girl with your run of the mill emotional/attachment/worrying about her future problems of any twenty-two-year-old girl. She's young but has an old soul, but she'd slap you if you ever said this to her. Hell, she might even slap you just because. She's a fun-loving, animal-loving, alcohol-loving tour-de-force that compliments any room or group of people she's with.
She's malleable and bi-polar and is quite possibly the worst listener in the entire world. But somehow she remains adorable even when she's interrupting you or in the midst of one of her frequent catotonic states. She's got a tounge ring and large pillowy breasts like two scoops of vanilla ice cream. She's fun, and even though she has yet to learn the fundamentals of English yet, she can still entertain with the few words she does know."
*Photos courtesy of Facebook.
And this is how I spent my Wednesday.
Quote of the day:
"...unfortunately God also gave women the sense of touchhappily, he didn't give them commonsense, so I still have a good chance"
