Englishmen 101

Things I have learned from dating Englishmen:

They take pride coming from the birthplace of the English language yet they can't speak it.  They mispronounce words and make a mockery of lisping.  They're too lazy to pronounce 'th' so they just settle for "t" ('He is tree years old').  They're the Ozzy Osbourne of mumbling and unintelligible speech.

They sweat. They sweat a lot.

Whenever you say eggplant they say aubergine. 

They drink like fish. When the rest of the world has fallen into a sweet slumber, crawling into bed with their loved ones, Englishmen are still going strong.  Where they stop and start gets blurred as nights collide into mornings and weekends merge into work days.

They don't pussyfoot anything. When they're mad at you, you know right away. They square their shoulders and try to head butt you.

Their hands are normally clutching pints of beer or leaning on a bar top for support.

They like to call their moms.

When they aren't drinking beer, they really do like to drink tea.

They shout a lot at football games.  Be it the World Cup, Sunday football league, or little kids playing in a park, the crazy lad with a beet red face screaming insanities at the side of the pitch is probably an Englishman.

If you mention Sunday roast, their eye gloss over and fill with nostalgic longing for things like Yorkshire pudding and mint sauce.

Oh yeah, and it's pronounced "York-shure" not "York-shire"

The part of leg hidden beneath shorts and unseen by sunlight is a blinding, sickening sight of pale coloured skin.

They love X-Factor.

For some reason you start calling your friends "mates" and your enemies "wankers" and "twats" over time.

They say things like "I need to blanch the tomatoes" and "Bebe, let's just go for a cheeky one" and "don't be a spot of bother."

Their English friends turn up in the morning, out of the blue, with a missing shoe and no pants and bruises all up their arm.  You ask them where they've been but they don't know. You find out from the barkeeper at the pub nearby how they were found passed out, spread eagle, on the middle of the street. And that was a Monday.

Oh, Englishmen.